


cross my heart (and hope to die)

by oneprotagonistshort



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-07 23:16:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15918240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneprotagonistshort/pseuds/oneprotagonistshort
Summary: Dirk never understood why Todd always got mad at him after near-death experiences.





	cross my heart (and hope to die)

**Author's Note:**

> just having a bit of fun with this one. all of my light is for mango, as per usual

It started as most things in Dirk’s life did: with a crisis.

Dirk hadn’t previously been aware that there was such a thing as an orchid crisis, but as he hid on a boat somewhere between Vancouver and Seattle, he knew it was very real. Over $100,000 in rare orchids had gone missing, and for whatever reason, their client was extremely eager to get them back. While following a lead, he and Todd had uncovered a massive botanical smuggling ring, a fact that Todd was not happy about.

“I hate boats,” Todd said, looking a little green. “I haven’t stepped on one since the whale watching incident of 1999.”

Dirk didn’t ask what the whale watching incident of 1999 was; judging by the look on Todd’s face it likely involved some sort of sea sickness and quite possibly an actual whale.

“We’ll be back in Seattle soon,” Dirk said, ignoring the fact that they’d technically crossed the Canadian border illegally twice. “Farah and the police will meet us there, and we’ll be back on land before you know it. All we have to do is stay hidden for the next half hour, and then we’ll be fine.”

Of course, as soon as the words left his mouth, they heard footsteps coming from down the hall. Dirk froze and felt Todd do the same next to him. They were out of sight but not particularly well-hidden, crouching behind some shipping crates full of designer begonias. The sound of two people approaching grew louder, but just as they were about to be spotted, a walkie-talkie crackled.

“Can you guys get up here?” the voice asked. “We need some help with a few crates.”

“Sure thing,” replied one of the men. “We’ll be right there.”

Dirk breathed a sigh of relief and turned to check on Todd, who immediately vomited into the hallway. They shared a look of sheer horror for a split second before hearing, “What the hell?” and the unmistakable sound of two guns cocking.

“ _Go go go_ ,” Dirk said, pushing Todd out from behind the crates and dragging him around a corner and out of the range of the guns. Todd stumbled a little as they ran, and Dirk grabbed his hand to help pull him along. They sprinted down the rest of the hallway and ducked into a stairwell.

“Dirk,” Todd said, breathing heavily as Dirk helped him up the stairs, “just go. I’m slowing you down.”

“Absolutely not,” Dirk said, because the very idea of leaving Todd behind was the most insane thing he’d ever heard, which was saying a lot. “We’re almost to the top, we can hide there.”

Todd groaned, looking sicker than ever, and let himself be helped up the stairs to the deck, which was unfortunately occupied by about a dozen armed smugglers.

There was a moment when nobody seemed to know what to do, looking around as if someone else might have an answer. Fortunately, they were interrupted by the sound of a helicopter, then a spotlight, then a loudspeaker announcing, “US Coast Guard, put the guns down!”

Suddenly there were agents swarming the deck, and total chaos broke out. Todd was ushered away from Dirk’s side by someone on the SWAT team, but before someone could get to Dirk he was surrounded by fighting and couldn’t find someone to follow. He bumped into someone as he tried to back away from the action, but that someone ended up being the head of the whole operation.

“ _You_ ,” he said, pointing his gun directly at Dirk. “You did this.” His accent was infuriatingly French Canadian, and his gun was inches from Dirk’s chest.

Dirk backed slowly away, taking a sharp breath in when his back hit the railing, the only thing between him and the Pacific Ocean. Frantically looking for a way out, he saw only one way to go. He shrugged his jacket off, already lamenting the loss, stepped up onto the rail, and jumped. He thought he heard Todd yelling his name, but he hit the freezing water feet-first and after that all he could focus on was staying afloat and keeping the salt out of his eyes.

Another spotlight came into view, much closer than the helicopter’s, and Dirk heard Farah’s voice over a megaphone.

“Dirk!” she yelled, “this way!”

Dirk would have started shaking with relief if he wasn’t already shivering from the cold. He started to swim towards the boat and in no time at all was being helped aboard and wrapped in a blanket. Farah gave him the rundown on what had happened; they’d managed to take the whole ship with the intel he and Todd had provided, and it had safely been captured.

“How’s Todd?” Dirk asked, still shivering just a little.

Farah gave him a look that he couldn’t decipher. “You’ll find out for yourself soon enough,” she said. Dirk wasn’t sure he liked the sound of that.

Finally back in Seattle, Dirk stepped out onto the dock only to be immediately confronted by Todd.

“You jumped off the fucking boat?” he asked, getting in Dirk’s face in a way that he hadn’t since they’d first met.

“Yes?” Dirk said, wary of Todd’s tone and hyper-aware that with a few steps back he’d be in the ocean again. He inched back as far as he thought he could get away with and said, “Farah picked me up, it’s fine.”

Todd, if anything, looked angrier. “How did you know she was down there?” he demanded. “What if you’d drowned? What if you’d _died?_ There are orca whales around here Dirk, they wouldn’t hesitate to fucking eat you.”

Dirk paled at the thought and stepped back just a little bit more. He was trying to figure out how to answer that when he stumbled, just slightly, only to be caught by Todd grabbing him by the arms.

“Look, it all worked out,” Dirk said, not sure why Todd was so upset. Each of them had almost died countless times on the job, but then again it had been a while since either one of them had been this close. Todd was holding onto him as if he might fall again even though Dirk had steadied in Todd’s arms. His blanket slipped and fell to the dock, and Dirk started shivering again.

Todd’s face softened, and he loosened his grip on Dirk. “Let’s go home,” he said.

“Yes, let’s,” Dirk agreed, ready for a hot shower and some sleep.

Todd drove and didn’t say anything the entire ride back, and for a miserable 36 hours he didn’t talk to Dirk at all. Dirk was moping about it in their kitchen when Todd walked in the front door with frozen yogurt, his trademark peace offering.

“Look,” he said. “I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was…” he struggled for the right word, “seasick.” That didn’t seem to be quite what he meant, but Dirk took the frozen yogurt anyway.

“Thanks,” he said quietly.

Todd smiled at him meekly. “I got gummy bears.”

“All is forgiven,” Dirk said, as if he would ever not forgive Todd for anything. He took the lid off his frozen yogurt and even let Todd steal a few gummy bears like it had never even happened.

*

A few weeks later, Dirk had another brush with death. He’d nearly been hit by a Mini Cooper with the Union Jack on the hood; a foot to the left would have been a head-on collision, and a foot to the right would have put him in the middle of heavy traffic. Dirk had frozen on the spot, tensely feeling cars whoosh past him until he could stumble back onto the sidewalk. 

Todd was at his side in a second, having ducked behind a hot dog stand to get out of the way. He didn’t seem relieved that they were both alive so much as he was furious at Dirk for reasons Dirk couldn’t figure out. He dragged Dirk roughly by the arm, getting them as far away from the street as possible and not letting go even as he pushed Dirk against a building.

Something in Dirk’s stomach swooped and he didn’t quite hear the first few words out of Todd’s mouth. “Sorry,” he said. “Can you say that again?”

“I _said,_ ” Todd said impatiently, “I can’t believe you just walked into the middle of the fucking road. Do you have any idea how close you were to being hit? Do they not teach the concept of ‘look both ways’ in England or are you really just that stupid?”

Dirk frowned, partially at the insult and partially at the question. “There wasn’t much for traffic in Blackwing,” he mused, focusing on the latter. “I guess I never really needed to think about proper street-crossing techniques. It’s always just kind of… worked out.” 

Todd always made a particular unhappy face whenever Dirk talked about Blackwing, and he was making it again. “Unbelievable,” he said, less visibly angry, though Dirk could still sense tension simmering under the surface. “I don’t know why I’m surprised considering I’ve seen you drive,” he said, “but we really need to get you into some kind of traffic school.”

He started walking and Dirk followed, not saying anything. Todd stayed tense and silent until they got back to their apartment, locking himself in his room as soon as they got home and leaving Dirk to wonder, not for the first time, if he’d done something wrong.

*

Due to the nature of the job, near-death experiences were more common for them than the average citizen. Dirk dodged danger with the same accidental ease he always did, but somehow Todd never seemed happy to see him alive. If anything, Todd just got angrier and angrier every time Dirk was almost killed.

“You fucking idiot!” Todd yelled, looking this time like he wanted to do more than shove Dirk to prove his point. “Do you have any idea how stupid that was?” He was probably referring to the way Dirk had stood between him and a large gun held by a much larger man. 

“I had a hunch?” Dirk said weakly. “Look, I’m fine, you’re fine, it’s all fine. It all worked out. Why are you so angry?”

Todd ran a hand over his face. “You can’t just keep running into danger like that,” he said, not really looking at Dirk. “I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.”

“You’d probably figure it out,” Dirk said, feeling like he was somehow missing something. “You always do.”

Todd sighed. “That’s not…” he started, visibly struggling to find the right words. “I need you alive, Dirk,” he said. “I just… need you.”

“Well I need me to be alive too,” Dirk said, bemused. “It’d be rather pointless if I didn’t.”

“No,” Todd said, frustrated. “I- you know what? Fuck it.” He grabbed Dirk’s tie and pulled, tugging him in until they were nose-to-nose. Dirk half expected Todd to shout at him some more, but instead he tugged Dirk just a little bit closer and kissed him hard. 

Dirk froze, unsure at first of what was happening, but melted into it when he realized what Todd had been trying to say. _Oh,_ he thought, _this is different_ , but Todd kissed him again and he stopped thinking altogether. They could think later.

*

Things changed very quickly after that. Dirk was happier than he’d ever been; with Todd at his side and the agency running smoothly he couldn’t imagine needing anything else. Todd was starting to really open up to him and Dirk felt himself doing the same. It was strange and wonderful and a bit awkward at times, but Dirk never wanted it to end.

The job was still dangerous. There were criminals and ghosts and demigods and a seemingly endless stream of things that wanted them dead. There had been fire and thunder and all manner of disasters waiting to befall them, not to mention that _pollen_ that had made Dirk feel like he was burning up inside until Todd had dragged him to bed and made it go away.

That one actually hadn’t been so bad.

Dirk had thought that now that he and Todd were together and frequently kissing and occasionally having feelings at each other, danger would be easier to deal with because they could lean on each other, but he couldn’t have been more wrong. As the explosion in the distance settled, Todd shoved him up against their car.

“What do you mean you were ‘pretty’ sure you cut the right wire?”

Dirk didn’t really see how Todd didn’t get it. “I knew it was probably the right one,” he said. “I just wasn’t 100% sure. It turns out I was right though, I don’t see why you’re so angry.”

“Angry?” Todd scoffed, pulling Dirk away from the car just far enough to get the back door open before shoving him into the backseat. He kissed Dirk roughly as he pulled the door closed behind them, and Dirk made a muffled noise against his mouth. “You really don’t get it, do you?”

Dirk really didn’t, but then Todd was kissing him again, hard and possessive and rougher than usual. He wasn’t careful as he pressed hard against Dirk, shoving until they were both horizontal and he could get his thigh between Dirk’s legs. His hands were rough in Dirk’s hair, pulling insistently until Dirk could barely breathe. 

By then Todd knew what he was doing, and used his extensive knowledge of what made Dirk tick with devastating precision. Todd shoved his knee up between Dirk’s thighs at the same time as he used his grip in Dirk’s hair to tilt his head back, baring his throat. He nipped under Dirk’s jaw and with another tug Dirk was gone, arching up against Todd and wondering what the hell had gotten into him.

*

It all finally clicked the day Todd almost fell off a bridge.

It had been a narrow escape but they’d made it, though Dirk had felt like he was dying when he saw Todd dangling precariously over the rapids of the Skykomish River. He’d managed to get Todd up and they made it safely back to land, but Dirk was seeing red.

“Are you okay?” he asked somewhat breathlessly, and when Todd nodded Dirk punched him in the shoulder.

“Ow!” Todd said, more offended than injured. “What was that for?”

“That,” Dirk said sternly, “was for taking such a stupid risk. Aside from your disregard for your own life, did you ever think about me? Todd, I can’t lose you! You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me and if something had gone wrong…” Dirk froze, finally getting it. “ _Ohh,_ ” he said. “Oh, I see.”

Todd looked confused, holding onto his shoulder protectively and looking at Dirk like he’d lost his mind. “What?” he asked warily, as if Dirk might hit him again.

“I’m not angry,” Dirk said, realization dawning on him. “I’m just so distraught at the thought of you dying that it’s easier to yell at you than think about what could have happened. I get it now.”

“Get it?” Todd asked.

Dirk grinned. “You yell at me because you love me.”

Todd flushed and pulled Dirk in close, burying his face in Dirk’s neck. “Yeah,” he said. “I do.”

“I love you too,” Dirk said, “but I swear to god if you do anything like that ever again I will actually kill you.”

They laughed, and spent the walk back to the car formulating plans for every emergency they could think of. Dirk knew it wasn’t likely that they’d be abducted by aliens or get lost in an abandoned mineshaft, but having a plan made him feel better anyway. The job would always be dangerous, but at least they could protect each other.


End file.
